Friday the 13th

Well, so far the day is living up to it's reputation.   Beware...it is not just a myth.

I lost a  new friend today.  I don't mean lost died, I mean she told me off and made it clear I was not to darken her door every again. ever.

At second glance she was probably not a friend given the way this was done, but damn it I hate when people lash out to make themselves feel better.  Honestly,this is not the first time someone has decided I should go away.  I tend to reach out to people in pain and try to help. Very often having shared some deep painful place in themselves we get to the "let no good deed go unpunished" part and and they are embarrassed at what I know.
My theory is they come to the point where they are uncomfortable that you know them too well and they want to erase you.   I have been erased, well in this case mostly excised. 

I decided the best thing was to go about my day and my job which is really a silly job but it does meet my need to stay productive in my present state of age and crappy health..so I did my daily read of the RSS feeds I subscribe to to keep up on events so I can irritate my congressional representatives with my opinions. 

You have to understand that seeing a monsterous number of opinions passed off as relevent can be a real bummer. As money becomes tighter and harder to find in sponsorship they need to rile the waters of their base by attacking anything that moves. 

Someone put it perfectly yesterday

"On the web you best build an audience by organising a claque and stroking its prejudices. Extend elaborate courtesy to people you agree with and boorish contempt to those who do not get it..."

This comment had forced me into  a long meditative session last night that determined that I would focus on what I could change and stay as far away from the rest as possible.    

But I do see the correlation between being erased and finding a new direction.  It is karmic in that you reach out to comfort even if the the comforted hisses back.  Kind of like a nasty cat...wanting to be petted most of the time and ready to claw you when it suits him.  You can never predict the cats behavior.  You can predict yours.  My control, as my sponsor so fondly pointed out over thirty years ago, ends at my fingertips.  I can control nothing but myself.  Sometimes I get erased, as in the case of the lost friend, other times  I was able to offer help and the help was valued.  It doesn't feel good to be attacked, but it does give me the opportunity to look at myself and make sure I do not do the attacking. To affirm that my interactions are the impression I leave with every single person I come in contact with. I am not reaching out to make a friend I am reaching out because it is the only way I can be peaceful and loving. 

I think my meditative session tonight will be much longer.

Thank you for helping me work thru this and providing a suture tray.  

Peace to all
and...chocolate and love for tomorrow.